The anxiety won. I waved my white flag.

It was a beautiful spring day.  The sky was a brilliant blue.  The grass had come back to life and the flowers were in full bloom.  It was the kind of day that makes a Michigan winter all worth it. 

I was headed north on Woodward Ave. towards Birmingham.  I had a hair appointment at my usual spot.  Because it was such a gorgeous day there were a lot of people out.  I had just crossed Thirteen Mile Road when all of the sudden that feeling started creeping in.  Only this time it was preluded by a feeling of chaos.  Cars were cruising by me with their windows down and their music blasting.  I felt trapped.  A surge of panic went through my body.  I had an incredible feeling of needing to escape.  I began to sweat.  I told myself “no no no this is not going to happen,” and somehow pulled myself together.  I made it to Birmingham and got through my appointment. 

It was at that moment that I knew I could no longer keep this secret.  I waved a white flag to my anxiety.  It had won.  I surrendered.

When I got home that day, I went right to my bed racked with gut wrenching anxiety.  I began to cry.  Being in my early 20s, I still lived at home.  My parents heard me and came into my room and asked what was wrong.  I told them about the fear that I had been living with for at least a year, and that I was afraid there was something really wrong with me.  They assured me that I was not going crazy and that there were lots of people in the world that experienced anxiety.  I wasn’t the first and certainly wouldn’t be the last.

A sense of relief washed over me.  My parents could not be wrong.  My dad offered to call a woman he knew, Ellie, who worked in the field of psychology.  At first I was not sure I wanted him to call her.  Maybe I had been wrong to tell them about what was happening.  Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and continued to deal with this on my own.  After mulling it over for a couple days I told my dad to call her. 

Fear ran through my veins.  Ellie told my dad to have me call her so we could talk about my situation.  How could I actually tell this woman what I had been experiencing?  What if she told me I was going crazy?  I ended up making the call and I can tell you it was worth the risk. 

According to the ADAA only 1/3 of people with anxiety disorders get treated.  That fact may seem staggering to some but I can relate.  For many the thought of opening oneself up is extremely scary.  However, let me tell you, calling Ellie was one of the most important phone calls I ever made in my entire life. 

Ellie was very kind and made no judgment.  She suggested that I contact a doctor named Kate that she had worked with in the past that actually used hypnotherapy as a way to treat anxiety disorders.  That’s where I just about lost it.  There was NO WAY  I was going to be put in a “trance” and really give up my self-control.  I jotted the woman’s information down just to suffice my parents.  When I told them what Ellie said they could not understand why I would not at least call and see what this doctor had to say? 

It was at this point I had to make a decision.  I could either a. continue to suffer with anxiety on a daily basis, or b. confront it head on and get my life back.  As hard as it was I went with option b.
I called Kate and made an appointment.  In my mind, I thought “I can always cancel.”  A typical thought for someone with an anxiety disorder. 

As the day of my appointment grew near something shocking happened.   I realized I did not want to cancel my appointment.  I actually wanted to go.  I was ready to face my fear.  Even better I did not have to come up with excuse number 3,663 as to why I could not go.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was terrified; however, I knew that I had no other choice but to go through with it.  Enough was enough.  I DESERVED to feel better and not let the anxiety win. 

I made my way to Kate’s office, walked through the door, and sat in the waiting room until she came for me.  What happened next was truly AMAZING!

Until next week,

Andrea

 

 Source
“Understanding the Facts of Anxiety Disorders and Depression is the First Step” (2015).

      Retrieved from: http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety.

 

What was happening to me?

 

Note to readers: I chose to blog about this topic because I want people to know that anxiety disorders are real.  If sharing my story can help just one person who is struggling with anxiety, then everything I went through will be worth it.

I began to sweat profusely.  My breathing grew short.  Everything got really loud.  I became very nauseated…..to that point of no return where your mouth starts to water and you know you are about to lose it.  Then I started to fade further and further.  In the next moment everything began to fade to black.  The panic had won.  I had fainted. 

You may be wondering where I was to experience such terror.  No I wasn’t in the depths of Africa on safari being chased by wild boars that wanted to eat me for lunch!  I was a 20-something year-old young woman who had just graduated from college.  I was working part-time at the same job I had since high school.  There was nothing scary about it.  It was a normal day.  What had just happened to me and better yet why?

Fade to black is the best way I can describe what it felt like to experience my first panic attack.  It was as though I had stepped outside of my body and no longer had control.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), over 40 million adults in the United States suffer from an anxiety disorder.  This can include: social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. 

Many of you already know that I began this blog as a class assignment.  I wanted to pick a topic that I felt might help or at least educate people on what an anxiety disorder is, and how it can make you feel.  Each week I will walk you through my journey of the struggle; recognition that I needed to take action; and finally coming out the other side a happy healthy person.  Today, I proudly can say that I have survived and overcome living with an anxiety disorder. J Much of it took sheer strength and willpower on my part; however, I did have my supporters along the way.  Alas, I wear it as a badge of honor. 

One of the saddest parts of anxiety disorders are that many people choose to not get help because they are afraid to talk about it for fear of being told they are going crazy.   I felt that way too at first. I told no one.  I carried this horrific fear with me every day.  Essentially I suffered in silence.  I lived with the constant fear that at any moment that feeling of sheer panic, or what I now know as the fight or flight response, could creep in for no reason. There was no way I could control it.  I only felt safe in certain places.  I was on edge all the time.  I was easily startled.  My stomach was in knots majority of the day.  On the outside you never would have known.  I hid it so well I could have won an Oscar for my performance.  Essentially I was acting as if everything was just fine and I was doing great all the while on the inside I felt like I was being tortured. 

When you suffer from an anxiety disorder, you become the master of excuses.  You try to find your way out of things that most people find extremely enjoyable.  For example, at that time if a friend were to call me and say “Hey Andrea I have Tiger tickets for this Friday’s game.  Let’s go.”  There would be a pause in the conversation while I scanned the rolodex in my brain for an excuse. When I finally found one that was plausible, a wave of relief went through me.  I got out of it.  I justified it in my mind by thinking it would be better for everyone if I didn’t go because after all, if a panic attack snuck up on me at the game I might ruin everyone’s good time.  Worse yet how would I get out of there in time before a full blown attack….fade to black? It was the thought of what MIGHT happen that prevented me from enjoying time with friends and family. 

The wave of relief I felt when I got out of what I perceived as “scary situations” only lasted a few moments.  That was when the shame, guilt and disappointment set in. I was being held hostage by an irrational fear.  My rational mind knew that this made no sense and it was ridiculous to feel this way.  A very wise friend told me you can’t make sense out of a senseless situation.  I felt trapped and hopeless.  Each day became a struggle.    

I want to stop here this week.  But before I sign-off, as I mentioned earlier, I overcame my anxiety disorder.  However, I have to say there was a silver lining in all of this.  I realized that I can survive anything!  Dealing with anxiety taught me very important life lessons that I still remember today.  For that I am truly grateful.  What can you expect when reading my blog?  I will share lessons learned, my own will to get through difficult situations, and the peace I found through practicing relaxation techniques.

Life can be tough no doubt about it.  However, if you have faith and perseverance you can make it through anything.  Trust me…..I know!

Until next week,

Andrea

Follow me on Twitter @fadetoblack70.

Source
“Understanding the Facts of Anxiety Disorders and Depression is the First Step”. (2015).

      Retrieved from: http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety.