Winning the battle!

After several sessions of hypnotherapy, I finally started to feel as though I were making progress in my battle with an anxiety disorder. I was much calmer and I noticed the way I approached my anxiety was changing.  Through hypnotherapy, I was taught how to will myself through difficult situations that at one time paralyzed me.

I began to look at my anxiety as a pesky friend that would probably in some way, shape or form always be in my life; however, it was now something that I could deal with.  I began to understand my anxiety. That panicky feeling I described in my first two blogs, where I thought I was going to toss my cookies at any moment, no longer consumed me.  If I found myself heading in that direction I would stop and breathe.  Breath is one of the most important things for obvious reasons.  When I felt anxiety creeping in the first thing I would do was stop and breathe – long, slow, deep breaths.  Then I would remember my place of quiet comfort on the beach with the warm sun on my back as I floated on the open water.  Most importantly I began to bring myself back to the present moment and focus on where I was and what I was doing.  That helped to stop the panic.

I decided to start looking at my anxiety as a strength and not a weakness.  Many people might wonder how the heck I could ever do that.  Anxiety did cause me negative emotion; however, it also shaped my character and helped me to be the person that I am today.  I mentioned in my first blog that I wear my anxiety as a badge of honor.  I now look back on my experience as one of great courage and strength.  I have endured and overcome obstacles that many people may not have been able to.  Now when I face a situation that may seem unbearable, I remember all that I endured and how I overcame.

In life there are times when you have to shift your perspective and look at things through different eyes.   I learned that I had to embrace my anxiety disorder and accept it.  This was one of the best ways to conquer it.  I had to accept the fact that the panicky feelings could and probably would creep in. 

Once I had realized that an anxiety attack was not going to kill me, and I learned skills to deal and overcome anxiety, I was able to do the things at one time I dreaded doing.  Essentially I got my life back.  No more fear in doing the simplest of tasks, no more excuses that left me with nothing but regret and guilt.  I learned that the old saying “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” could not be truer. 

Until next time,

Andrea

A place of quiet comfort

I nervously sat in the waiting room for my name to be called.  My heart was racing so fast I thought it would jump out of my throat.  Thoughts started rushing through my mind “what are you doing here?  You can handle your anxiety in your own way, just get up and leave.”  I was very tempted to listen to that little voice. “If you leave now you can spare yourself from a panic attack.  You’ll be safe once you get out of this building,” I told myself.  Something kept me in my seat.  I don’t know if I was too scared to leave or too scared to stay. 

Just then a short woman with long dark hair and a very kind and caring face came to the desk.  “Andrea” she called.  I jumped up and introduced myself to her.  We went to her office.  The first thing I noticed was how serene and calm it was.  The doctor’s name was Kate and we immediately hit it off.  She asked about my background and my experiences with anxiety and panic.  Please understand that I truly felt like I was baring my soul to her.  It was very embarrassing to openly admit to someone that I had been living with an irrational fear that for all intense and purposes I knew was crazy.  Thoughts ran through my mind “what if she tells me “honey you need to be locked up in a facility?”  However, yet again I knew that in order for me to feel better and get through this situation I had to be very honest.  I could lie but what good would that do me?  I owed it to myself to get through this session.  I equated it to walking through a dark forest.  Yes it was scary and I did not know what completely lied ahead for me, but I did see a bright light in the distance.  All I had to do was get there.  Sure it would be tough at times but I kept telling myself that it would all be worth it.

After I shared my story with Kate I think I ended it with “I’m crazy I know.”  One of my coping mechanisms with my anxiety disorder was humor.  Somehow if I could make people laugh, it calmed me down.  Kate chuckled and said “you are definitely not crazy – far from it.”  Whoa…… wait did she just say I’m not crazy?

Kate went on to explain that I was suffering from an anxiety disorder that millions of people around the world suffer from.  She then discussed the type of therapy that she used to help people like me.  The first thing she explained was that through hypnotherapy she would teach me how to relax my body so that the panic stopped.  She made it very clear that she did not have control over my body and could not make me cluck like a chicken.  Even though I would be guided by her voice to learn the tools and techniques necessary, I would have full control over my body.

The first thing she asked me to do was to get comfortable.  Next I closed my eyes.  Kate asked me to focus on my breath.  She told me “All I want you to do is be aware of your breath.  Tune everything else out.  Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.”  We did this several times.  Once Kate knew that I was in a relaxed state, she told me to picture a place in my mind where I felt safe.  She then asked me to describe that place out loud expressing exactly how it made me feel.  What came next was truly amazing.  In those moments I felt at peace.  No more fear, panic, or knots in my stomach.  No thought of what I was going to do if I could not somehow relax.  No feeling of needing to escape.

I began to describe to Kate a beautiful beach with white sand.  The water was a deep blue green and there were palm trees scattered around.  I was lying on a raft and was moving with the force of the water.  I could feel the warm sun on my body.  There was no one else there - just me, myself and I.  Nothing to fear.  No crowds or perceived danger.  Just sheer bliss.  Kate asked me to describe everything I saw down to the last detail.  As Kate asked me to leave this place – for now – she told me to remember this place of quiet comfort.  She went on to tell me that no matter where I was or what I was doing, this place was always there for me to go to and relax. 

I saw Kate for several more sessions that only reinforced what she taught me the first day.  I had to train myself to understand that anxiety disorders are normal but they can be overcome.  Anytime I felt myself going to that panicky state, I quickly needed to picture myself in my safe place and focus on my breath because in that moment, that was all that mattered. 

I remember leaving Kate’s office after our first visit.  I was on top of the world.  Through hypnosis I had finally reached a place where I no longer felt the horrific feelings of anxiety I had battled for so long.  Don’t get me wrong, it took time, patience, and a lot of hard work to get to a place where my anxiety didn’t overwhelm me and throw me back to ground zero.  But hypnosis taught me that even in the midst of panic and fear I can overcome. 

Next week I will discuss important life lessons I learned from having an anxiety disorder.

Until then,

Andrea

P.S. In regards to safe places, I have several.  It could be the beach described above, my favorite spot up north, or just about any place my mind can take me that brings me comfort and peace.

 

The anxiety won. I waved my white flag.

It was a beautiful spring day.  The sky was a brilliant blue.  The grass had come back to life and the flowers were in full bloom.  It was the kind of day that makes a Michigan winter all worth it. 

I was headed north on Woodward Ave. towards Birmingham.  I had a hair appointment at my usual spot.  Because it was such a gorgeous day there were a lot of people out.  I had just crossed Thirteen Mile Road when all of the sudden that feeling started creeping in.  Only this time it was preluded by a feeling of chaos.  Cars were cruising by me with their windows down and their music blasting.  I felt trapped.  A surge of panic went through my body.  I had an incredible feeling of needing to escape.  I began to sweat.  I told myself “no no no this is not going to happen,” and somehow pulled myself together.  I made it to Birmingham and got through my appointment. 

It was at that moment that I knew I could no longer keep this secret.  I waved a white flag to my anxiety.  It had won.  I surrendered.

When I got home that day, I went right to my bed racked with gut wrenching anxiety.  I began to cry.  Being in my early 20s, I still lived at home.  My parents heard me and came into my room and asked what was wrong.  I told them about the fear that I had been living with for at least a year, and that I was afraid there was something really wrong with me.  They assured me that I was not going crazy and that there were lots of people in the world that experienced anxiety.  I wasn’t the first and certainly wouldn’t be the last.

A sense of relief washed over me.  My parents could not be wrong.  My dad offered to call a woman he knew, Ellie, who worked in the field of psychology.  At first I was not sure I wanted him to call her.  Maybe I had been wrong to tell them about what was happening.  Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and continued to deal with this on my own.  After mulling it over for a couple days I told my dad to call her. 

Fear ran through my veins.  Ellie told my dad to have me call her so we could talk about my situation.  How could I actually tell this woman what I had been experiencing?  What if she told me I was going crazy?  I ended up making the call and I can tell you it was worth the risk. 

According to the ADAA only 1/3 of people with anxiety disorders get treated.  That fact may seem staggering to some but I can relate.  For many the thought of opening oneself up is extremely scary.  However, let me tell you, calling Ellie was one of the most important phone calls I ever made in my entire life. 

Ellie was very kind and made no judgment.  She suggested that I contact a doctor named Kate that she had worked with in the past that actually used hypnotherapy as a way to treat anxiety disorders.  That’s where I just about lost it.  There was NO WAY  I was going to be put in a “trance” and really give up my self-control.  I jotted the woman’s information down just to suffice my parents.  When I told them what Ellie said they could not understand why I would not at least call and see what this doctor had to say? 

It was at this point I had to make a decision.  I could either a. continue to suffer with anxiety on a daily basis, or b. confront it head on and get my life back.  As hard as it was I went with option b.
I called Kate and made an appointment.  In my mind, I thought “I can always cancel.”  A typical thought for someone with an anxiety disorder. 

As the day of my appointment grew near something shocking happened.   I realized I did not want to cancel my appointment.  I actually wanted to go.  I was ready to face my fear.  Even better I did not have to come up with excuse number 3,663 as to why I could not go.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was terrified; however, I knew that I had no other choice but to go through with it.  Enough was enough.  I DESERVED to feel better and not let the anxiety win. 

I made my way to Kate’s office, walked through the door, and sat in the waiting room until she came for me.  What happened next was truly AMAZING!

Until next week,

Andrea

 

 Source
“Understanding the Facts of Anxiety Disorders and Depression is the First Step” (2015).

      Retrieved from: http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety.