The anxiety won. I waved my white flag.

It was a beautiful spring day.  The sky was a brilliant blue.  The grass had come back to life and the flowers were in full bloom.  It was the kind of day that makes a Michigan winter all worth it. 

I was headed north on Woodward Ave. towards Birmingham.  I had a hair appointment at my usual spot.  Because it was such a gorgeous day there were a lot of people out.  I had just crossed Thirteen Mile Road when all of the sudden that feeling started creeping in.  Only this time it was preluded by a feeling of chaos.  Cars were cruising by me with their windows down and their music blasting.  I felt trapped.  A surge of panic went through my body.  I had an incredible feeling of needing to escape.  I began to sweat.  I told myself “no no no this is not going to happen,” and somehow pulled myself together.  I made it to Birmingham and got through my appointment. 

It was at that moment that I knew I could no longer keep this secret.  I waved a white flag to my anxiety.  It had won.  I surrendered.

When I got home that day, I went right to my bed racked with gut wrenching anxiety.  I began to cry.  Being in my early 20s, I still lived at home.  My parents heard me and came into my room and asked what was wrong.  I told them about the fear that I had been living with for at least a year, and that I was afraid there was something really wrong with me.  They assured me that I was not going crazy and that there were lots of people in the world that experienced anxiety.  I wasn’t the first and certainly wouldn’t be the last.

A sense of relief washed over me.  My parents could not be wrong.  My dad offered to call a woman he knew, Ellie, who worked in the field of psychology.  At first I was not sure I wanted him to call her.  Maybe I had been wrong to tell them about what was happening.  Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut and continued to deal with this on my own.  After mulling it over for a couple days I told my dad to call her. 

Fear ran through my veins.  Ellie told my dad to have me call her so we could talk about my situation.  How could I actually tell this woman what I had been experiencing?  What if she told me I was going crazy?  I ended up making the call and I can tell you it was worth the risk. 

According to the ADAA only 1/3 of people with anxiety disorders get treated.  That fact may seem staggering to some but I can relate.  For many the thought of opening oneself up is extremely scary.  However, let me tell you, calling Ellie was one of the most important phone calls I ever made in my entire life. 

Ellie was very kind and made no judgment.  She suggested that I contact a doctor named Kate that she had worked with in the past that actually used hypnotherapy as a way to treat anxiety disorders.  That’s where I just about lost it.  There was NO WAY  I was going to be put in a “trance” and really give up my self-control.  I jotted the woman’s information down just to suffice my parents.  When I told them what Ellie said they could not understand why I would not at least call and see what this doctor had to say? 

It was at this point I had to make a decision.  I could either a. continue to suffer with anxiety on a daily basis, or b. confront it head on and get my life back.  As hard as it was I went with option b.
I called Kate and made an appointment.  In my mind, I thought “I can always cancel.”  A typical thought for someone with an anxiety disorder. 

As the day of my appointment grew near something shocking happened.   I realized I did not want to cancel my appointment.  I actually wanted to go.  I was ready to face my fear.  Even better I did not have to come up with excuse number 3,663 as to why I could not go.  Don’t get me wrong.  I was terrified; however, I knew that I had no other choice but to go through with it.  Enough was enough.  I DESERVED to feel better and not let the anxiety win. 

I made my way to Kate’s office, walked through the door, and sat in the waiting room until she came for me.  What happened next was truly AMAZING!

Until next week,

Andrea

 

 Source
“Understanding the Facts of Anxiety Disorders and Depression is the First Step” (2015).

      Retrieved from: http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety.